Lately it seems like there is a common thread running through the news articles and web sites that arrive in my email and news feeds. Those feeds coincide with a matter on which I am struggling of late - am I capable of being a good dad? To be more specific, what I struggle with is second-guessing and self-doubt.
Here is what is going on in that scary place known as my head: I wonder if I am doing right by Peter these days. This is what started the hamster in the cage inside my noggin. Peter doesn't talk at all but he does try to communicate in ways he is able. Sometimes I get what it is he is trying to say - he speaks volumes with his eyes and body language. Sometimes I don't understand why he is slapping his head violently and throwing his little temper tantrums. In those times I sometimes lose what little patience I have and become very frustrated at not being able to decipher what is really going on with him. I find myself raising my voice sometimes and I HATE that. I really do. So I start to second guess myself and wonder if I am able to be the type of dad I want to be; do I have it in me?
So, inspired by a video that was in my email last week ( Fatherhood Project ) I decided to call my Dad. We don't have very deep conversations on topics such as the meaning of life or life lessons in general. So when these questions and topics arise I relish the opportunity to pick his brains. The topic was brought up after the warm-up topics of politics (always a good ice-breaker). So I finally asked him if he ever second-guessed himself as a father when he was raising us kids. He laughed and said "Often." So the conversation continued for a few more minutes about parenting, things he might consider doing-over if he could go back in time and general advice from a 77 year old man to his 52 year old son. His wisdom came down to that which I already knew - no one ever gets it 100% correct all the time; most of the time you have to make an educated guess and hope that you won't do much, if any, harm. In other words, trial and error. He said that you have to get to know and understand the child as an individual - what worked for him where I was concerned did not necessarily work for my brother or sister.
I also received this little gem in my news feed at about the same time (Listening to a Child). The author talks about a hands-free relationship with her kids meaning that she puts down the phone, the remote, the laptop, the magazine, etc. and listens to her children by giving them her complete attention. She talks about the relationship with her own dad and how he always gave her his attention. Her dad was not perfect - losing his temper, working too much, etc. - a lot like me - BUT when she spoke, her dad was present.
There was period in my life - a very dark period - when I didn't notice or listen to anyone or anything. I was on a self-destructive tear. I purposely ignored that inner small voice that told me what already knew - that I was going in the wrong direction. I didn't care at the time; I just wanted to numb the pain. When I finally realized what was going on, I was trapped (or so it seemed). I called out to that inner voice, the One, and it answered. Hillsong United
Ever since then I have done my best to sail a new course - a course of love, service and humility - charted by God. That new course has taken me to new heights I could never have dreamed of even asking for. The next leg of this journey will be a journey I thought would not be possible but my God is the Impossible-to-Possible God. With His help I believe my successes and stubbed toes earned along the road of life will make me a better man and a better dad. I look forward to the adventure in parenting.
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