Perfection Not Required

Lately it seems like there is a common thread running through the news articles and web sites that arrive in my email and news feeds.  Those feeds coincide with a matter on which I am struggling of late - am I capable of being a good dad?  To be more specific, what I struggle with is second-guessing and self-doubt.

Here is what is going on in that scary place known as my head: I wonder if I am doing right by Peter these days.  This is what started the hamster in the cage inside my noggin.  Peter doesn't talk at all but he does try to communicate in ways he is able.  Sometimes I get what it is he is trying to say - he speaks volumes with his eyes and body language.  Sometimes I don't understand why he is slapping his head violently and throwing his little temper tantrums.  In those times I sometimes lose what little patience I have and become very frustrated at not being able to decipher what is really going on with him.  I find myself raising my voice sometimes and I HATE that.  I really do.  So I start to second guess myself and wonder if I am able to be the type of dad I want to be; do I have it in me?

So, inspired by a video that was in my email last week ( Fatherhood Project ) I decided to call my Dad.  We don't have very deep conversations on topics such as the meaning of life or life lessons in general.  So when these questions and topics arise I relish the opportunity to pick his brains.  The topic was brought up after the warm-up topics of politics (always a good ice-breaker).  So I finally asked him if he ever second-guessed himself as a father when he was raising us kids.  He laughed and said "Often."  So the conversation continued for a few more minutes about parenting, things he might consider doing-over if he could go back in time and general advice from a 77 year old man to his 52 year old son.  His wisdom came down to that which I already knew - no one ever gets it 100% correct all the time; most of the time you have to make an educated guess and hope that you won't do much, if any, harm.  In other words, trial and error. He said that you have to get to know and understand the child as an individual - what worked for him where I was concerned did not necessarily work for my brother or sister.

I also received this little gem in my news feed at about the same time (Listening to a Child).  The author talks about a hands-free relationship with her kids meaning that she puts down the phone, the remote, the laptop, the magazine, etc. and listens to her children by giving them her complete attention.  She talks about the relationship with her own dad and how he always gave her his attention.  Her dad was not perfect - losing his temper, working too much, etc. - a lot like me - BUT when she spoke, her dad was present.

There was period in my life - a very dark period - when I didn't notice or listen to anyone or anything.  I was on a self-destructive tear. I purposely ignored that inner small voice that told me what already knew - that I was going in the wrong direction.  I didn't care at the time; I just wanted to numb the pain.  When I finally realized what was going on, I was trapped (or so it seemed).  I called out to that inner voice, the One, and it answered.  Hillsong United

Ever since then I have done my best to sail a new course - a course of love, service and humility - charted by God.  That new course has taken me to new heights I could never have dreamed of even asking for.  The next leg of this journey will be a journey I thought would not be possible but my God is the Impossible-to-Possible God.  With His help I believe my successes and stubbed toes earned along the road of life will make me a better man and a better dad.  I look forward to the adventure in parenting.

Geez! That's A Lot of Money!!

We've received a few questions about the costs of adoption.  So, we thought it would be a good idea to let y'all know where the money is going (and no, it isn't going to grease the skids).

Approximate Costs for Gentile Adoption (ONE CHILD)

Adoption Agency Related Costs:

Application Fee                                                $250

Casework Services                                           1,750

Adoption Management/ Hague Services            3,250

Post Adoption Reports                                     1,000

Apostille Documents                                         105

Dossier Translation & Processing                      2,360

                        Subtotal                                    8,750

US Agency Costs:

USCIS/background checks                              $2,595

Home Study Report                                          2,500

Airfare to Latvia                                               2,500

                        Subtotal                                    7,595

Latvia In Country Costs:

Trip 1 - attorney fees, driver, translator, etc       $5,600

Trip 2 - attorney fees, driver, translator, etc       5,600

Trip 3 - attorney fees, driver, translator, etc.      3,500

                        Subtotal                                    14,700

                        GRAND TOTAL                     $31,045

The costs would be a few thousand more to adopt more than one orphan during the time we are looking at K. So, adopting two kids might run $35,000 depending on what region of Latvia they are from.

How does this compare to domestic adoptions or giving birth costs?

According to creatingafamily.org the costs of a domestic adoption are pretty much the same as a Latvian adoption.

US Birth Mother Relinquishment Private Adoption

Average Cost - Working with an Agency: $34,012

Average Cost - Working with an Attorney: $30,222

According to CNN the average cost of giving birth to a healthy baby in the United States is approximately $18,000 and $28,000 for a C-section.

A New Definition of Family

The Oxford Dictionary defines "family" as: a group consisting of two parents and their children living together as a unit.  Webster's Dictionary defines it as: a group of people who are related to each other.


This past weekend we had the pleasure of having some friends visit with us.  They were here to do their required training for their upcoming Winter hosting of two teens from Latvia.  They arrived late Friday night and were headed back home to western Pennsylvania by Sunday morning.  Less than forty-eight hours and yet during that short period of time some magic happened.


We first met Dorah in May of this year at the Summer hosting training for New Horizons. We spent the day with her and the other families who were hosting but it was less than eight hours after we first met that we were back in our respective cars and heading back to our respective homes.  We stayed in touch since then and have grown closer.  We both blogged our experiences over the summer and learned a lot about each other during this whole process.  When she walked through the door Friday night it was like an old friend stopping by while passing the neighborhood.  Big smiles all around and big hugs to go with them!  We laughed, shared stories and discovered that we are both old movie buffs.  In fact, I found out that Indiana, PA is Jimmy Stewart's hometown!!! I also learned that they do the town up just like Bedford Falls at Christmas time. (I feel a road trip coming!)


We also hosted Bryan and Stephanie.  We had never physically met before but only "met" in cyber world.  they also regaled us with stories of how they all met each other and the many adventures they have shared during their friendship.  The place was full of laughter and lively conversation on serious, and not serious, topics. Stephanie and Bryan are undertaking a fundraiser for their hosting - Stephanie is knitting and selling miniature Latvian mitten ornaments.  They are priceless and we will be hanging them on our tree and our kids' tree in the future!  What a great reminder of the cause and the love that went into each pair of mittens.  By the end there were no "fugs" here (For those of you not in the know, a "fug" is a fake hug).


The truth is we have a very, VERY unconventional family.  We have Peter, who although he is technically not blood related to us, is very much considered a son to us.  We have Dorah, Steph and Bryan under our family umbrella not to mention the dozens and dozens of our church members, friends and co-workers.  But strangely enough, even people we have never actually met we feel a bond with and would welcome them into our home with lots of hugging and kissing - the Grahams, the Brysons, the Steinmanns, the Coxwells, the Rhoads, the Normans (the list could go on and on).  Not blood related but family nonetheless.

Webster's also defines "family" as a group of people united by a common conviction.  Here's the definition I like: a group of people united by a common thread - love.  I'm liking that definition.  I think K will fit right into that "family"!!  Welcome to the family!

Life in the Wild

I don't believe in coincidences anymore. Do you?

I don't believe that my life is relegated to walking aimlessly through the parched, harsh, desert landscape commonly known as life in search of something I couldn't quite put my finger on. Do you?

I don't believe that I am measured by what I have done or not done in the past or how many “toys” I've accumulated along the way. Do you?

I used to believe that life was full of coincidences, that society dictated whether or not I had “arrived” and that the measure of a man was merely not screwing up too badly so that I could avoid God's lightening bolts. I used to be the guy happily motoring along in life blissfully ignorant of the conditions of the road on which I was traveling. I have repeatedly gone on the skydiving adventure refusing to jump out of the perfectly good, safe airplane for the thrill of the adventure despite the parachute strapped to my back. Not anymore. Don't get me wrong, I still struggle with plenty of issues but I don't struggle with those particular notions anymore; at least not today. Spiritual awakenings have a way of altering your perspective and perception of what it is really all about, about what is really going on.

If you have read the first installment in this chapter of our odyssey you know that we are pursuing adoption of a young man from Latvia and, hopefully, one or two more souls for our unconventional family. Much progress has been made in the mechanics, the footwork, of making this dream a reality: papers have been collected, applications have been filed, money has been raised, new fundraisers have begun and prayers have been sent up. But that is really just the prep work for the real work of art being created here. The canvas has been placed on the easel, the brushes are neatly placed on the table and the paint colors have been chosen and applied to the palette. I know how I would like this painting to look at the final brush stroke but in reality I have to be willing to go where the Spirit leads. I have to be willing to let Spirit take its time; willing to allow the art to burst forth from the canvas.

I have been reading a book called “Your God Is Too Safe” by Mark Buchanan. It is quite an amazing book and it is no coincidence that I just happen to be reading it now. As best I can describe it Buchanan talks about the difference between being “slow of heart” and “hearts burning” as described in Luke 24:13-35. He discusses why we're stuck, where we're stuck and why it is so difficult to see Christ even when He is walking beside us. He lays into how we have become accustomed to living in the borderland with a comfortable God, always willing to accept His blessings, abundances and get-out-of-jail-free cards but ever so reluctant to “follow Him” and the inherent uncomfortableness and fear of the unknown that goes with that journey.

This topic really challenges me in ways I never even knew I was struggling, Buchanan analyzes the story of the calling of Peter (Luke 5:1-11) where Jesus tells Peter to cast the nets on the other side and they hit pay dirt, the mother load of fish. Peter thinks he can have Jesus follow him, fish with him and Peter can live the life of Reilly. Jesus has other plans and Peter knows it when he turns and looks in His eyes. Peter knows that Jesus wants him to leave everything – leave the job security, the prospects, the safety, everything that Peter knows – for the unknown, the dangerous, the glorious, the fulfilling, the life in the wild. And Peter begs Jesus to leave him alone and move on – either Peter leaves everything or Jesus leaves Peter. You know how that story goes.

I am all too much like Peter in many ways but I like to think that this odyssey we are engaged in with K and adoption is my way of following Christ. I feel my heart burning for this adventure, this life in the wild. How do I know it's the real deal? I think that I am supposed to be traveling here in this patch of the wilderness as common sense would tell any sane person that a man about to turn 52 should NOT be considering starting a family. The world would say that I would be crazy to host a teenage orphan girl from Latvia and love her unconditionally despite her walls and fear. Society would consider me a fool for “wasting my precious time” searching repeatedly for a young girl from Ukraine that I connected with two years ago all in an effort to let her know that she is loved and not forgotten. Thankfully, I don't walk on the road that is nicely paved, safe and devoid of heart and compassion. It turns out I didn't need to have my head examined, I just needed to reignite my heart.

You may be asking yourself, “Where is he going with all this? What does this have to do with adoption?” As best as I can figure out it is this: The command “Follow Me” has two underpinnings that are essential to this little adventure. First, I am not leading the way – God is. God is blazing the trail and clearing the way for me. God is not asking me to do that which He is not willing to do with me. Second, the path I walk is lit with love and compassion. As much as I would like to have the road lit with spotlights so there are no shadows along the journey, the light is only a lamp at my feet. Just enough light to see a few steps in front of me. So, on this journey I am following God's lead, I will have faith and trust that He knows the way, that I will take one step at a time.

If you would like to be a part of this adventure there are many ways you can do this: spread the word about this blog so people hear our story and God's story being told through us; if you feel led, you can help us financially by making a donation in any amount through our fundraising site (http://www.youcaring.com/adoption-fundraiser/forever-family-for-k/102572); you can pray for us, for K and for all those kids (143,000,000 of them in this world and counting) who are looking for a healthy, loving family. See you in the wilderness.

Thank you.

This Is Your Son. Bring Him Home.

As Eileen and I begin this adventure I can't help but feel that we have been working and moving toward this long before she and I ever met.  It began in earnest over two years ago when we met a young woman from Ukraine.  We were able to tangibly see a dramatic change in her and in us during a short 5 week period.  It continued over this past summer when a feisty young woman came to visit from Latvia.  It was not an easy journey with D during the first part of the visit but by the end there was no doubt she was a part of our family.  Peter still misses her very much.

During our adventure this summer many people read our blog and laughed, cried and shared our frustrations along with us.  Many people contributed financially, spiritually and made D feel welcome.  They made her feel loved and like she had a family!  Everyone involved in one way or another had an impact on this young woman.  So much so that after she was back in Latvia she messaged us saying that she missed America.  This coming from the girl who at the beginning of the trip begged to go back as soon as possible.

We heard from many people who thought we were nuts to put up with some of the nonsense we experienced along the way.  Despite the trials we persisted in showing and giving love unconditionally.  I admit there were plenty of moments of frustration and doubt whether it would work.  But I held fast to the belief that God put her in our crazy, unconventional family for a reason.  Sure enough, God's plan was better than anything I would have come up with.  Love triumphed over fear.

In early September we heard of a young man in Latvia who would soon become too old to adopt.  Many of our friends were advocating for him.  We did not know much about him except that he had a very tough life, had made some bad choices but, after being loved in a demonstrable way by people being the hands and feet of God, began to turn his life around.  I felt drawn to him and we asked about him with our friend Ali.  We couldn't do much of anything until mid October so we had to sit tight.

In the meantime, it appeared as if another family was interested in our guy and we were genuinely happy for him.  He would have his "forever family" after all.  However, by mid October the situation had changed for our guy and the window of eligibility was almost shut!  It was as if we could hear God saying, "This is your son. Bring him home."  Phone calls were made, emails were flying and papers were completed in a matter of a few days.  Those papers were filed with the authorities just in the nick of time and our guy's ineligibility clock was stopped!  Phew!

This will be a long process.  There will be many peaks and valleys but we are resolute in our belief that this is God's plan for us and for our family and for our guy in Latvia.  Who knows? We may even be fortunate enough to be blessed with two new additions to our unconventional family.  Wouldn't that be sweet!

PS - Due to the strict rules about the process we cannot mention his name or post any pictures of him but when it is all said and done ...